Eight years ago, as I sat with my three-year-old daughter, watching her dad play Thomas in our church’s Living Last Supper, I felt a tightening I recognized from 8 weeks spent on bedrest when I was pregnant with my daughter.
Contractions.
At 11 weeks.
The contractions subsided, but when I saw my doctor at my appointment on Monday, we realized they weren’t the only things that had stopped.
The image on the sonogram showed everything but a heartbeat.
I remember trying not to lose my composure becuase my daughter was with me.
The next day, I had a D&C, and the day after that I headed to the beach for a trip with my family.
I remember watching the waves one morning when almost no one was on the beach and realizing that as vast as the ocean was, I felt just as empty.
There had been life inside me. It was gone.
There had been hope; now there was hurting.
I always think of it on Good Friday because that was the last day I’d had that hope, and it forever changed the way I think about the day and of those who actually lived through it all those years ago.
They’d had hope, too.
It was gone, lying in a hasty grave, where they’d put the one who’d actually raised the dead.
It made no sense.
How could the one who commanded wind and waves be defeated and destroyed?
And, how could anyone ever come to call that day “good”?
I know the answer because I’ve lived it. The pain of that day was not permanent. God had bigger plans than the pain. He had a purpose.
When they came creeping to the tomb on Sunday, the women had no idea the happiness that would replace their hurt.
Because when they took their empty hearts to the empty tomb, God filled them with hope again.
He did that for me, too.
Every time I see a certain pair of clear, blue eyes, I am reminded of God’s plans and his purposes.
I first looked into those eyes less than a year after my miscarriage. I was holding those little hands as we celebrated Easter the following year.
And I appreciated the grace I’d been given, the overflowing abundance of God’s goodness to me, more because I knew what it was to be empty.
And he still chose to let me be filled.
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I’m so happy to be joining Kate at Five Minute Friday this week! Pop on over and join us! It’s a wonderful community of writers, and even if you don’t write, you’ll find some amazing posts to read.
I’ve only written a little bit about my miscarriage in the past because it’s a hard thing to write about. It’s even harder to experience. If you have and would like me to pray for you, please email me. I’d be honored to do so!
As I read this beautiful post, I can relate fully. It was 8 in a half years ago when I went through a miscarriage at 10 weeks, I found out at the doctor as well and had to hold it together so I could get my 1.5 year old who was waiting for me at daycare. I remember feeling so lost and devastated, empty, lonely. But even in the moment I could feel the prayers of my friends and family giving me strength, and looking back at pictures from that time I see so much beauty ans strength within that they have grown to be some of my all time favorites. Thank you for your beautiful reminder today.
I am so sorry for your loss, but like you, I have such sweet memories of that time because God was so kind and loving to me.
Charlie… I am so sorry to read about what you went through. I can’t imagine the deep pain you would have felt (and most likely still feel). But you are right – God can certainly fill the emptiness with hope. I am thrilled that He did so for you, and your words (which are so beautifully written – truly, He has gifted you with this) will bring hope to others. Thank you for being so open and honest. May the Lord bless you for trusting Him and serving Him with your deepest trials.
Thank you so much! His word says He is close to the broken-hearted, and I found that truth to be true!
Charlie i am so sorry you went through this!
Reading your story moved my heart but I’m grateful you found strength and grace for such a time!
I love you dear friend and God loves you greatly.
God bless and happy Easter to you
Thank you, Ifeoma! It was painful, but I came to know the tenderness and kindness of my Savior in a new and beautiful way. He is good all the time.
Miscarriage is hard and takes some time working through
Yes it does. Blessings to you!
Thank you for sharing! That is really a unique perspective on Good Friday! Hope you had a good Easter and see resurrection around you every day!
I’m glad you mentioned the support of other believers. The Bible tells us we are part of the body and need other parts to function effectively. Thanks for sharing.
Sorry, my last comment was meant for the post about growing in grace. The network here is erratic, I’ve had to load and reload your page, hence the mixup.
On this post: Anyone who has suffered pain knows firsthand what Jesus went through and there’s no greater pain than that which comes with loss of a life. But the grace of God is sufficient for us and makes us stronger after these experiences. Praise God for our Lord Jesus who bore the pain and shame to release that grace to us. Hallelujah!